Shadow Island

To help me understand the GOP GUV candidates, I grant each a dictatorship over Shadow Island, a three-mile paradise just east of Gary. It is a friendly place populated by mostly obedient Methodists.

OBERWEIS: Within six days of seizing power, Oberweis demands that his subjects call him “Daddy” while drinking his Communion Cream. Once everyone is highly sedated, he appoints Jack Roeser minister of fashion. Suddenly, Corduroy suits are in and whining becomes the official language. But to check Roeser’s power, Daddy invites his friends the Taliban to provide halftime entertainment, knowing that only they can control Colonel “Kurtz” Roeser. Oh the horror, the horror.

GIDWITZ: Giddy divides the island into 50 parcels, granting each of his high donors absolute rule in those areas. Believing that his personality, and not his wealth, gives him status, he disguises himself as a gas station attendant to test his theory. But as he rushes to pump gas, 92% of the denizens scream and lock their doors. Feeling dejected and alone, he strips his clothes, enters the mountains, and develops a wildly popular hair care product called “My Comb Over”.

TOPINKA: The party starts early on Topkisland, a popular vacation destination for gay stallions who prefer accordion music. To enshrine her popularity, she bans Oboes and heterosexuality for those under 35. Upon George Ryan’s conviction, Judy grants him political asylum. Good old George captains the "ferry" from Gary into Port Garcia de Ricardo—during the jaunt, Homer instructs the youth about the dangers of unprotected sex and the need to ban the death penalty, except for folks named Fawell.

BRADY: After being instructed on what constitutes an island, Brady begins to build homes on every square inch. He hunts down Oberweis, kills him, but as usual Oberweis refuses to die. While Oberweis’ head is mounted above Brady’s fireplace, Oberweis opens his eyes and begins to bark revenge. Always the entrepreneur, Brady opens the island’s first freak show exhibit. Tourism soars, as royalty from all over the world come to view and listen to “Obie--Less Fat, Same Idiot”.

CP: illinoisshadow.blogspot.com