Who Wants to Run with a Millionaire?

Trying to comment on this governor's race before filing is complete is like shoveling the walk while the snowstorm rages on. So this week I'll share with you some telephone transcripts and secret memos that my ever-alert cadre of informants might or might not have delivered to me. The first is a telephone transcript that may or may not have been found in a dumpster outside the corporate offices of Helene Curtis...

(ringing sound)

Steve R: Hello.
Ron G: Steve, good to hear from you. This is Ron. What can I do for you?
Steve R: Uh...you called me, Ron. But since you're on the phone, you don't by any chance have a million or two laying around you're not doing anything with, do you?
Ron G: Oh yeah, that's why I'm calling. I've been thinking. You know, some people say I'm... well... not all that exciting. But you, you've got a great new gimmick almost every other day. That Topikajevoyavich stuff, what a hoot! Great stuff there. How do you come up with it? Anyway, you need money; I got money. I need gags; you got gags. What do you say we team up?
Steve R: But Ron, I'm a conservative and you're a moderate...won't this just confuse things?
Ron G: Balderdash! Don't sweat the small stuff. I've got more money than Scrooge McDuck and you've got a beard. It worked for Oscar and Felix.
Steve R: Uh, I don't have a beard anymore.
Ron G: Whatever, you're still funny. Come to think of it, I don't think Oscar had a beard, either. If things got tough on the campaign trail, you could always grow it back. Ha! That's a trick that accordion player could never pull off. So are you with me?
Steve R: Gosh, I was planning to call a press conference later this week to announce that I was applying to be the quarterback for the Bears. But your idea intrigues me, kind of a new paradigm for me. Still, how do we get around the problem that we disagree about everything?
Ron G: I've got that all figured out. We'll be the anti-establishment reform ticket.
Steve R: Are you serious? You were the king of the establishment. People will never buy this.
Ron G: Balderdash! Listen, funny man. You were the chairman of the Senate Finance Comittee during George Ryan's Bilk Illinois program. How did you end up being a reformer after running Georgie's ATM machine?
Steve R: Well, I yelled about giving them the money. Besides, they all hated me.
Ron G: Yeah, you're right. I hated you, too. But that was then and this is now. So are we gonna do this thing?
Steve R: We might be able to make it work. But you've got to say you always hated Bob Kjellander. Say you hated him since he dated your kid sister back in grade school and dipped her pigtails in an inkwell. John Kass eats that stuff up. Tell him you hate Kjellander and he'll buy anything else you say.
Ron G: I DO! I do hate Kjellander. You know, I had my clerk check all the old sales receipts...and did you know Kjellander never bought his wife a dime's worth of Helene Curtis products? Cheap s.o.b.!
Steve R: Now you're on the right track. Dam, Kass will love this! What kind of American doesn't buy Helene Curtis products for his wife? The kind that buys slutty t-shirts from Abercrombie and Fitch, that's who! I think we can make this work. But I'm afraid Lovie Smith is going to take the news hard.
Ron G: Balderdash! You mean Lovie was actually going to suit you up?!?!
Steve R:Well, I hadn't actually told him yet. But I'm really quick on my feet without the beard. You really like saying balderdash, don't you?
Ron G: It's a word that doesn't get used nearly as much as it should. Don't you have a special word all your own?
Steve R: Well, when I can't sleep at night, I say 'Chirinjeev Kathuria' three times and I'm out like a baby. But back to the subject, yeah, this will work. Down with the establishment! To the barricades! We'll just be a couple of born-again reformers...free spirits like Peter Fonda and that other guy in that old movie, Easy Rider. But with your money we can get really cool motorcycles. Do I still get top billing?
Ron G: Yeah, whatever, as long as I get the governor's mansion. What's our slogan going to be?
Steve R: Ummmm...wait, I've got it! Make seven. Up yours.
Ron G: Haha! I knew I could count on you to come up with something clever and original that would sum up our entire platform. We're gonna rock their world.
Steve R: Great! I gotta go now. Have to call Lovie.
Ron G: All right, then. I'll have my press secretary call your press secretary and we'll do lunch. All I ask is that you keep an open mind about the beard. Bye.

after a series of clicks, the dial tone resumed.