Expedited State Job Applications

My source for the following draft memo swears by its authenticity. I have my doubts, though, as he claims he found it in a trash can outside the governor's mansion. As everyone knows, Rod Blagojevich can't even find Springfield without a road map, much less the governor's mansion. In my efforts to insure that you, dear reader, get only solid information, I submitted the raw document to a couple of experts.

First I checked with former CBS News Producer Mary Mapes. After a quick glance she said, "Looks good to me. Run with it."

Then I asked her old boss, Dan Rather, what he thought. He was visibly excited. "By cracky," he exclaimed, "if that isn't a Texas tick in the yellow rose, I don't know what is!" I asked him what that meant. Big mistake. I should have just backed quietly away. "Are you questioning my patriotism, boy?" he demanded. "I'll have you know I won the Pulitzer Peace Prize in economics and nuke-u-lar physics and I got the authenticated letters to prove it. What you got to say about that?"

Dan makes me nervous these days. So I'll leave it to you to judge for yourself from the text of the memo...

Memo

To: All Human Resources Personnel

From: The Guv

Subject: Expedited Job Applications

In an effort to streamline our interview processes and make hiring more efficient, effective January 1 we will cease to use the old applications. The newer, simpler forms simply require the applicant's name, address and phone number. After completing the form, applicants should attach their $50,000 check, payable to Citizens for Blagojevich to the application. After the check clears, human resources personnel should forward the completed application directly to the governor's office.

Unqualified applicants (those whose accounts have insufficient funds) should be informed that there are currently no job openings available. But you should let them know there is good news, too. They can sign up on the spot to get free health insurance for their kids. Even better, they can sign up all their friends, neighbors and relatives, too. They don't even have to live in the state. All they have to do is fill out and sign the attached conveniently pre-marked absentee ballot. They can sign for their neighbors and friends, as well. If they have any concerns about the legalities, assure them that top experts from a General Attorney's office designed the forms to comply completely with the law. If they are still not satisfied, remind them they really ought to show some consideration for their kids.

All completed absentee ballots should be forwarded to the appropriate county clerk's offices. Out of state ballots should be forwarded to election authorities in Chicago, East St. Louis and Rock Island where they will be properly processed. Those going to Chicago should be specifically earmarked for my father-in-law's ward (Heh heh, that will curdle the old goat's feta). If he complains, inform him this is in compliance with our party's commitment to Make Every Vote Count! (Please note that this does not change our policy of reporting the absentee ballots of active duty military personnel as having been lost in the mail. Dam fools vote for Republicans. If you didn't know better you would think our soldiers were Nazis or Stalinists or Harpo Marxists or something).

If Dad continues to complain, tell him he's acting like a mean, old Republican, trying to disenfranchise good working families who are just trying to do right by their kids.

For the purposes of this program, a child will be defined as anyone under the age of 143, alive or dead, who consistently pulls a Democratic ballot and really, REALLY likes Elvis impersonators.