Chop Wood, Carry Water

There is a story I love about a young man who, seeking the meaning of life, joined a monastery which promised him enlightenment if he would serve them faithfully. For 20 years he worked, chopping wood and carrying water all day long. Finally he asked to be brought to the master to gain the enlightenment he sought.

In the master's simple cell, the seeker finally asked, "What, Master, is the meaning of life."

The master regarded him with a gentle smile and replied, "Chop wood, carry water."

Regular readers know I am decidedly Catholic. But I love the delightful Zen quality of this delicious story. And yesterday's news of the attempt by a few conservatives to appoint an 'official' Illinois conservative spokesman brought it to mind. For more information see Conservative "Spokesmen" Annointed - My Bag Please, Deja Vu All Over Again, and More "Spokesperson" Stuff, in yesterday's Illinois Review (www.illinoisreview.typepad.com).

Last week a group of various individual conservatives met, calling themselves the Conservative Caucus (CC) and operating under the umbrella of the Republican Assembly of Illinois. There is some confusion as to what actually happened at the meeting. Some say it was an effort to begin a regularly scheduled collaborative meeting of all conservative groups - and to appoint a formal spokesman for the group. Others say it was to unite behind that single 'official' conservative spokesman. Businessman Jim Oberweis was elected spokesman of the group with WARS Radio (an internet station) talk show host Bruno Behrend elected Deputy Spokesman.

Unfortunately, the press release announcing the formation of the group styled Oberweis as the official spokesman for all conservatives. Even more unfortunately, a great number of prominent conservative activists announced they had never heard of the Conservative Caucus, much less participated in its deliberations. Most unfortunate of all, at least one group, the respected United Republican Fund (URF), sent out a release late in the day stating that it was not a participant in the CC meeting, contrary to the inferences of the press release it sent out.

Despite the general respect and affection most conservatives hold for Oberweis, the announcement was met with catcalls rather than hossanas. It was a textbook case of how NOT to launch a successful movement - and how NOT to win friends and influence people. First many, perhaps even most, conservative organizations were not even aware, much less invited, to participate in the deliberations.If you plan to unite a divided group, you first need to get them to the table. Announcing that you have settled their differences without having consulted them is guaranteed to draw hoots of derision. Second, conservatism is more a spectrum of related beliefs - with lots of room for dissent - than a particular color. Occasionally a spokesman, such as Ronald Reagan, rises by common consent. Even then there is substantial disagreement. No less a conservative than George Will accused Reagan, near the end of his tenure, of being a closet liberal.

But the aborted episode also underlined what most ails the conservative movement in Illinois - our stated principles do not match our behavior.We call for openness and elections - but hold little-heralded meetings (often shrouded in secrecy) and then proclaim to speak for the masses. We can't mount enough unity to win a primary - and counsel patience. Then we rip the victors for failing to win a general election. No counsel of patience there. It gets bizarre to listen to people who can't muster 30 percent of the vote in a good Republican year denounce those who can't prevail in a terrible year as 'losers.' We demand inclusion in Republican counsels, as we should, and then ourselves act as some secret high priesthood when it comes to dealing with the conservative rank-and-file.

In the closed society of power in pre-revolutionary France, every power group which perceived itself to be less priveleged than another denounced the latter in the name of the "people," people that all the groups distanced themselves from. When the "people" finally spoke for themselves in a terrible voice, they and the guillotine chewed up many of those who, just a few months before, had spoken so confidently on behalf of the "people." It seems every other conservative imagines himself a dauphin and we have competing coronations - lacking only loyal subjects.

Even more disreputably, a lot of what passes for conservative debate seems suspiciously more like vengeance for a loss, a failure or a snub. I will not today write about what the various and ugly chains are, in hopes that conservatives involved may think better of it and give more than lipservice to their devotion to principle. But when we behave like roving bands of rival warlords, it should come as no surprise that normal people decide to steer clear of all of us - and the political party with which we are most closely associated.

When I traveled the state 12 years ago working to cobble together the coalition that nominated Al Salvi for U.S. Senate and later elected Peter Fitzgerald, I constantly told conservative groups that what I then referred to as 'regular' Republicans did not object to our ideology: it was our penchant for running suicide missions that scared them off. That is still true.

In the little more than a decade I have been actively involved in conservative politics in this state I have borne the brunt of quite a bit of criticism myself - some deserved, some not. In that time, though, I have been neither a candidate nor sought to head any particular group. The closest I came was a few years ago when I was a prominent candidate for Executive Director of the Illinois Republican Party. When my candidate for chairman lost and John Tsarpalis was appointed to the post, rather than embarking on a vendetta, I became an outspoken admirer of Tsarpalis. He is the best executive director in memory and one of the best decisions Chairman Andy McKenna made. I am not interested in being either king or high priest of conservatives. All I want to do is chop wood and carry water.

And there, my friends, is the rub. The competition over who will be king or high priest would be more tolerable if more of the contenders would quit spilling the water and spoiling the wood. Until it stops, we can't win - and the longer it continues, the more understandable it is that many Republicans want to distance themselves from the ugly fallout we create.